It’s not important, nor am I

It’s not as if i have an ego for people to hurt. That could never be an issue. i feel as though i’ve been unfairly judged and of course there isn’t going to be anyone to defend me.

So maybe my actions, thoughts, and feelings are not valid. I was told that my attempt to help was manipulation. If i’m not getting what i need and i can’t help someone in knowing how to provide it, then what option is there but to give up? i mean.. seriously.. sit there and continue to not have what i need? i can’t do that anymore. And someone else said to me that life tasks are my responsibility and to grow up. Well, there it is.. eat up. That’s got to be a delicious chunk of reality. Well, i was never well suited for life. When i was 14 and wanted to kill myself i should have went right ahead and did it. Ran right in front of a car, swallowed a bottle of pills. I thought of using a knife, but I knew I was too much of a coward for that. In later years I have said that suicide is never the answer and that people that would do such a thing are cowards. Well, I am a coward.. I have always been afraid of life. i had panic attacks and went to the hospital because i thought i was dying. It’s funny how I wanted to die until I thought i was dying, right? Having a Dom gave me a courage I never had in my life and now i’ve lost it.. it’s invalid.. wrong answer. i’ve always wanted to have the right answer. I don’t have the sense of identity that allows me to be proud of my submission anymore. Someone that can’t function on their own should die. i’m sorry, growing up is not an option. Suicide isn’t an option either. My Dom doesn’t need me and i’m a worthless human being that can’t care for my own existence, but i’ve gone and had kids and so i don’t get to make that choice, because i can’t always be there for me kids and also be dead. I have to choose and I have. I hate that my kids have taken over my life. I’m tired of people always telling me that I can’t do something because of having kids and now i’m doing it. I went online and people there always ask if i have kids.. i just want to scream. Everyone says that my kids are more important than i am. I’ve never complained about that.. not once have I ever complained. I just always sank into a hole of non-importance. I internalize it, I am always getting it beat into me about how I am not important at all. I was left having to resort to leaving my 2 kids with my grandmother on some extremely rare occasions only to be verbally attacked by my aunt. Something to the tune of those being my kids and to take them with me. There is always something more important. my Sir’s work is more important too. Of course it is. And you’re thinking that i’m selfish. It overwhelming joy to have someone that needs me to set work aside or cancel an appointment for them.. I would do that in a heartbeat, even for a grown man that is my Dom. I don’t have anyone that would do that for me. I have never had anyone that would do that for me and I cry about that sometimes. I would always babysit my sister’s devil children, but she wouldn’t babysit mine who were better behaved and I would cry about that sometimes.. i could very rarely ever go out anywhere. i have always had to make up excuses to get my dad to spend time with me. i’d ask him to come and help me put furniture together. i don’t need help to put a desk or office chair together as an adult, but i called my daddy because i wanted to spend time with him. my grown cousin called me at 2am because she was watching a scary movie and she was scared. i don’t have anyone that would even answer the phone if i called at 2am. Everyone’s got something that’s more important and then there’s me. i’m not important to anyone.