A Bond

I love Sir and having a bond with him is very important. When he was lax, that bond was almost nonexistant. Right now the bond seems damaged and that’s worse than being nonexistent. A bond can be formed, but it’s difficult to recover one that has been crumbling for weeks. Here is an image that I created myself.. Well, the picture I found online and edited to be transparent, then added to my words.. thus mine.

The picture isn’t a reference to Sir, it’s a reference to what I’ve learned from my ex, he’s someone I can always trust… to hurt me. It’s difficult to trust someone who hurts you everyday. I had been hurt by my ex and had trusted that it wouldn’t happen again, but it always did. It gets to the point where the ONLY trust you have is that you WILL be hurt and it just becomes ridiculous to think otherwise. Many abusive relationships have that element, because it causes outsiders to wonder why they stay and how can they be so stupid. I’ve watched a friend’s D/s relationship repeatedly become abusive and it broke my heart more than my own situation ever could, because it is a helpless feeling when you see a pattern and can’t make the decision to keep someone safe. Sitting back and doing nothing is hard. Maybe it’s easier when you know that the person isn’t stupid, but that’s up until you realize that intelligence is not a factor. Respectfully holding your tongue because a person cares deeply for the person that has inflicted pain is hard. When you can’t watch and it becomes overwhelming, it might be time to distance yourself, but I would never not be available to my friends. I had previously been grounded because of how a friend’s situation was affecting me, but it was for just one or two days and I needed that cooldown period.

Sir said that he didn’t realize that I didn’t feel violated when I had not been able to give consent. I DID feel violated, but I retracted that feeling and statement when Sir said that it was NOT rape. Sir also said that it wouldn’t hold up in court. I didn’t care what the courts think, I cared what Sir thought.Well, there’s that feeling of not having a father in my life. Sometimes you only get one chance to support someone. She planned to never speak of it again, so how about not confusing a person by being angry about it later? He said that previously being in bed naked with a man was equal to consent. So that has to mean that my husband didn’t ever rape me either. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and Sir was acting the way that he was in order to prevent it from happening again, the pregnancy risk sex that wasn’t rape. Sir didn’t say that he had supported what I felt and I know that he doesn’t, because there was that ONE chance. It doesn’t make sense to demand that I explain why I wanted to continue seeing the same guy and I wouldn’t do that. And a friend, becks had supported that initial feeling and so I was communicating with her right up until she blocked me from everywhere. So now rares and I have both experienced the pure abandonment of being completely cut off. I blamed Sir for it and I didn’t know where to turn, but I guess that Sir brought rares up to speed on recent events. When I had not felt supported by Sir, my intention was to run the whole scenario by a licensed therapist, but without any of the submitting to Sir stuff. I had not been truly close to AP since the incident, at least not emotionally. I am responding to what I think AP wants and that is just me… I think.. or another me/personality? Another personality is still me, right? I also have desire based on what I think he wants. And I allow myself into situations that he can manipulate into results that he wants. But he’s a subtle and sweet manipulator. I absorb the desires and needs of all men around me, this has been happening to me ever since I had been molested and almost raped by someone I trusted. I always thought that I should have just accepted what he wanted and I feel guilty that I hadn’t. If I will not consent, then I will be in a trance.. that’s just the way it is. I don’t personally have a way of escape. I’ve researched it for years and there is no information that helps me, the best I can get is confirmation that what I go through is a trance. As for how to stop it.. there is no information. I am suggestible both verbally and nonverbally, that’s it.

I am occasionally difficult. I can be resistant or numb. I’m not aware if I have ever been a brat, I can’t always remember everything. Sometimes I don’t remember at all or everything I remember is like recalling something I saw on tv. Or sometimes I know that something happened, but I don’t feel that I was involved. When I am resistant, it’s important to be firm. It’s not to test Sir, it’s because that’s what I need. It’s not that Sir has to prove that he’s Dominant, but it’s because I need to feel his ownership or else I will be swallowed up by the great abyss. Discipline might be a good thing to implement, punishment before discipline isn’t good, because then no one even knows what’s going on.

Sometimes I am numb and I can’t tell you why because of being numb. Sir becomes really demanding during alot of those times and it never works. Being numb is being in pain and not being able to identify it. I was numb yesterday and Sir helped, because he wasn’t demanding. Instead he was gentle and said that I could color in my coloring book and take a nap. He wanted me to write a post and I really wanted to obey, but I didn’t have the strength. I was exhausted and I seemed distant because of it. I wanted to be there with Sir, but I couldn’t speak. Sir called me on the phone 5 times and I gave short responses and listened to him. It’s as if I do not exist. I didn’t eat until evening, nonexistent people don’t eat stuff.. I think. I don’t know, I haven’t met other people that don’t exist. I think that someone has to give me firm answers to questions I haven’t asked, “Do I exist?” “Why do you bother with me?” And I will still be sure that I don’t exist, but when the sentiments build up I will be a person again. On the bright side.. I guess it’s a bright side.. I can’t be triggered or respond to desires while numb and no other part of me can take over.

Also, I don’t want to talk about AP. I have a therapy appointment on May 7th. And AP didn’t contact me at all yesterday. I’ll have to double check to see if that is true, but I’m sure that it is. I don’t care, I just want to be accurate..