Safety through a Simple Trigger

The pain has been upon me everyday. I thought I’d never have to go through it again. It seems familiar in a few uncomfortable ways that I won’t immediately discuss.

It’s not easy to accept daily pain no matter how familiar it is. When you get a flu shot you accept that pain because it’s only needed once a year and it protects you. A Sir isn’t a flu shot, he’s always there, always ready to protect, and so maybe he shouldn’t make himself a daily vaccination by attacking his sub with some version of reality everyday. There would just be no added benefit from a daily flu vaccination.

Sir becomes scary firm and very restrictive. His voice elicits chills sometimes. It’s like the opening from Beauty and the Beast when the narrator says, “But there was no love in his heart.” Have I transformed Sir into a beast? When I don’t feel Sir’s love it’s scary. Sir said he doesn’t want to lose me, but I had lost him everyday and that’s when I stop communicating, because ceasing communication is just as familiar as pain. I had found my very happy place with Sir, that’s when he addresses me as and treats me as his “babygirl”. I don’t think it’s fair to restrict my relationship as a way of punishment. When he does that, it’s not just us anymore. I don’t want to be sharing Sir with my date. Sir hasn’t wanted to share, so why would he insert AP into every second of my life? He could set a curfew and bedtime without trying to involve whomever I’m seeing.

Sir has become my happy place, because I see him as a really great Daddy. When Sir calls me “babygirl” the way he talks to me makes me feel safe and secure, even when he’s not happy with me. I am triggered into good behavior, except for bedtime, but I need Sir’s discipline rather than more rants and lectures. Scolding is very different and I wish Sir would do that. Up until the sex incident I had been impressed with Sir and proud that he was my Dom again. It’s ljke Sir said, a dom protects, but I don’t think it’ s meant to be to to the point of pain. Sir worries that he can’t stop a trance, but If she’s in a babygirl state of mind she pretty much won’t be susceptible to a trance and Sir only need keep me there. You have no idea how easy it is to keep me there.

I love Sir and don’t want to think about not having him. Sir is super hard on me and then when I draw attention to it, I can suddenly do anything I want. That is abandonment and it hurts just as much. I know about pain that comes from someone I love and it had not been good to stay and try to work out a marriage with someone that wouldn’t or couldn’t stop hurting me. I was getting close to getting away from Sir, but then Sir makes a comment on a blog entry that shows his understanding of my pain. Sir is different from the ex that caused me years of pain through verbal abuse, because he will recognize and take responsibility for what he does. I feel safe enough to cry and then Sir cares for me by allowing me an outlet with child activities and by calling me “babygirl”. I never knew how much that helps me and how much I’ve needed that.